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Relationships?

Survival & Success
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What Style Of Relationship Are You In?

MASTER/SLAVE

Viewed as an object to be “owned”, sole ownership, lack of independence, growth, “I’m boss, I make the decisions, you are here for my benefit”.

DEPENDENCY

Exhausting, tiring, leaning, throws off balance, paranoia.

PEDESTAL

Power imbalance, unrealistic impressions and a lack of communication, void of feeling.

SMOTHERING

No movement, suffocating and an inability to grow mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

MARTYR

Guilt, lack of communication or one-sided.

BOARDING HOUSE

Routine, limited communications, no intimacy, relationship on the “way out”.

Factors in a Healthy vs Un-healthy Relationship

Healthy

Un-healthy

Trust Lack trust; jealousy may be present
Honesty, spontaneity Abuser only sees what he/she wants to see, deceives the partner and self.
Openness Closed, private, unwilling to share anything about one’s own thoughts, wants and emotions
Understanding No effort is made to become aware of the significant other’s needs, feelings, wants
Flexibility/compromise Inflexible; compromise occurs only when abuser’s demands are met, or during the honeymoon phase
Clear boundaries Unclear, diffuse boundaries, as if both partners are one; victim sacrifices all identity and individuality
Growth Stagnation; intimacy becomes a routine chore.
Acceptance of self, partner and relationship Little or no acceptance of self, partner or relationship
Respect Belief that one partner is godlike while other is worthless; respect demanded by abuser but abuser gives none in return
Intimacy, spirituality No warm feelings; intimacy is like a chore; fear is present; force may be used
Commitment is an active choice Both partners are committed only to one person’s needs; victim feels trapped
Space Victim is expected to spend all free time with abuser; may give up friends, family, school, job; victim feels isolated
Individuality Differences not respected and growth not fostered
Affirmations Given only when victim gives in to demands or during honeymoon phase
Equality/shared power A one-up, on-down situation; force and coercion are used. Physical, psychological and sexual violence may occur.
Risks taken by both parties Victim afraid to express emotions, wants or needs for fear of further abuse.

Sleeping With One Eye Open

Sleeping with one eye open.
Watching Shadows around you
Listening to the screams and hoping
that they trickle away like a morning dew.

Wanting to help the person you love.
But knowing you do not have the might
to end the hitting and shove
and overcome the beast, to end the eternal night

Sleeping with one eye open
Knowing and crying, pretending not to care
listening to the screams and hoping
that God will answer my prayer

Unknown Author

He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not.

This is a thought that may cross your mind quite often. You may hear from friends, family, coworkers “Why don’t you just leave him?”. We understand it is a very difficult decision to make. Here are some of the reasons you may feel the need to stay with your partner

The thought of leaving may be overwhelming. The first step in dealing with an abusive relationship is to find support and gain perspective.
If you would like to discuss this or any other matter with a counsellor just call:1-888-871-9090 24 hours a day

  • You love your partner, not the violence
  • You made a commitment you feel you can’t break
  • You feel you have nowhere else to go
  • You fear poverty for you and your children
  • Your relatives and in-laws want you to stay
  • Your partner may have threatened suicide if you leave
  • Your partner makes you doubt that you can do it on your own
  • You want your children to grow up with a father
  • You believe your partner will change
  • You are afraid or ashamed
  • Your partner makes you feel like the abuse is your fault
  • You may not have access to the services you need
  • You are afraid for your life and your children’s

If you would like to discuss this or any other matter with a counsellor just call:

1-888-871-9090 24 hours a day

Survival is Possible…Success is Too!

I am a twenty-six year old survivor of domestic abuse, with a young child. I left at six months pregnant, after a bout with double pneumonia, when the abuse escalated from severe mental and occasional physical to extreme in both areas. I finished law school with the help of my mother, and am now practicing law. It took a long time to understand what my husband was doing to me, and longer to accept that he refused to acknowledge the abuse for what it was. But when you believe the abuse is your fault. If only I didn’t behave like this. He wouldn’t be so angry … Yes he would, and you are worthwhile just the way you are. You cannot change him EVER. But you can change yourself, and you can change the future for yourself and your child. You both deserve better.

Bill of Rights for Women

I have the right to make my own decisions.
I have the right to use my own judgement.
I have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
I have the right to feel anger and express it appropriately.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to be treated as a capable human being.
I have the right to feel and express love and affection.
I have the right to have my needs be as important as others.
I have the right to my feelings.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to change my mind.

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