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What Style Of Relationship Are You In?
Viewed as an object to be “owned”, sole ownership, lack of independence, growth, “I’m boss, I make the decisions, you are here for my benefit”.
Exhausting, tiring, leaning, throws off balance, paranoia.
Power imbalance, unrealistic impressions and a lack of communication, void of feeling.
No movement, suffocating and an inability to grow mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Guilt, lack of communication or one-sided.
Routine, limited communications, no intimacy, relationship on the “way out”.
Factors in a Healthy vs Un-healthy Relationship
|Trust||Lack trust; jealousy may be present|
|Honesty, spontaneity||Abuser only sees what he/she wants to see, deceives the partner and self.|
|Openness||Closed, private, unwilling to share anything about one’s own thoughts, wants and emotions|
|Understanding||No effort is made to become aware of the significant other’s needs, feelings, wants|
|Flexibility/compromise||Inflexible; compromise occurs only when abuser’s demands are met, or during the honeymoon phase|
|Clear boundaries||Unclear, diffuse boundaries, as if both partners are one; victim sacrifices all identity and individuality|
|Growth||Stagnation; intimacy becomes a routine chore.|
|Acceptance of self, partner and relationship||Little or no acceptance of self, partner or relationship|
|Respect||Belief that one partner is godlike while other is worthless; respect demanded by abuser but abuser gives none in return|
|Intimacy, spirituality||No warm feelings; intimacy is like a chore; fear is present; force may be used|
|Commitment is an active choice||Both partners are committed only to one person’s needs; victim feels trapped|
|Space||Victim is expected to spend all free time with abuser; may give up friends, family, school, job; victim feels isolated|
|Individuality||Differences not respected and growth not fostered|
|Affirmations||Given only when victim gives in to demands or during honeymoon phase|
|Equality/shared power||A one-up, on-down situation; force and coercion are used. Physical, psychological and sexual violence may occur.|
|Risks taken by both parties||Victim afraid to express emotions, wants or needs for fear of further abuse.|
He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not.
This is a thought that may cross your mind quite often. You may hear from friends, family, coworkers “Why don’t you just leave him?”. We understand it is a very difficult decision to make. Here are some of the reasons you may feel the need to stay with your partner
The thought of leaving may be overwhelming. The first step in dealing with an abusive relationship is to find support and gain perspective.
If you would like to discuss this or any other matter with a counsellor just call:1-888-871-9090 24 hours a day
If you would like to discuss this or any other matter with a counsellor just call:
1-888-871-9090 24 hours a day
Survival is Possible…Success is Too!
I am a twenty-six year old survivor of domestic abuse, with a young child. I left at six months pregnant, after a bout with double pneumonia, when the abuse escalated from severe mental and occasional physical to extreme in both areas. I finished law school with the help of my mother, and am now practicing law. It took a long time to understand what my husband was doing to me, and longer to accept that he refused to acknowledge the abuse for what it was. But when you believe the abuse is your fault. If only I didn’t behave like this. He wouldn’t be so angry … Yes he would, and you are worthwhile just the way you are. You cannot change him EVER. But you can change yourself, and you can change the future for yourself and your child. You both deserve better.
Bill of Rights for Women
I have the right to make my own decisions.
I have the right to use my own judgement.
I have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
I have the right to feel anger and express it appropriately.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to be treated as a capable human being.
I have the right to feel and express love and affection.
I have the right to have my needs be as important as others.
I have the right to my feelings.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to change my mind.